Tuesday's Top Ten: Best Ways To Get Fired

I know I always do a sports related top ten, but I thought I'd change things up with some suggestions of good ways to get fired from your job. You might find some of them funny, and you might be offended, but that's the idea! Behold, the top ten best ways to get fired from your job!

10. Refuse to adhere to your works scent policy by wearing large amount of cologne. When people complain, demand that your work reimburses you for the money you spent on the cologne. If they refuse, threaten to commit suicide.

9. Begin renting out the office for sex addicts anonymous meetings. If meetings become a success, begin renting out the office for large, inter-racial orgies.

8. Find an interesting way to spread an STD. While your at it, spread a virus to all the computers because computers can't have sex.

7. Replace your bosses Advil with ecstasy. When they become high, call the police and accuse them of sexual harassment.

6. On casual day, show up to work completely naked with a fake tattoo of a large arrow pointed towards your crotch. Accuse male and female co-workers of desperately wanting to be impregnated by you, and repeatedly yell 'you wish biatch!'

5. Gather all of your co-workers into one area and do your best impressions of Michael Richards, Don Imus, Tim Hardaway, and Mel Gibson. When people accuse you of being a racist bigot, threaten to commit suicide.

4. Introduce several of your co-workers and their kids to crystal meth. Since they're probably unfamiliar with the drug, you can over charge them

3. Fake your own death by having a friend call in to say you were the victim of a violent hate crime. When people show up to your funeral, jump out of the casket and yell “You just got punk'd!”, then yell at them for not bringing 'funeral gifts'.

2. Make all new employees take part in a violent gang initiation. Initiation includes a brutal beating, a robbery and arson at a local thrift store, a week long coke binge, and the final test - public urination in front of an elementary school.

1. Break into your bosses email and send out penis enlargement emails to the entire office and his clients. Also, change your bosses voice mail message claiming he is now running the penis enlargement hot line.

Feel free to leave a comment on something you think would be a good way to get fired. Happy Hanukkah!

-Joe Osborne

Video of the Day: Jim Rome is Burning

Video courtesy of ESPN

Straight Up Made Up

Sean Taylor's murderer to be suspended and fined by the NFL

Shortly before the start of yesterday's games, NFL commissioner Roger Goddell announced that the person or persons responsible for the murder of Redskins safety Sean Taylor would be fined and suspended by the NFL. “I've made it clear since day one that off field conduct such as steroid use and murder are completely unacceptable. Whoever is responsible for the death of Sean Taylor can expect to receive a hefty fine and lengthy suspension”. When the suspension and fine is handed down, Goddell can expect to hear from the executive director of the NFL Players Association Gene Upshaw, who says he will attempt to eliminate or reduce any suspension or fine. “Come on now. Where in the NFL rule book does it say that murder violates league rules? It's not like these guys are illegally video taping other teams or doing elaborate touchdown celebrations. Plus, from what I know the suspects have never been in trouble with the league before, so it would be a first time offense.” Reaction to Goddell's decision to penalize the murderer(s) was mixed among members of the media. “It's part of the culture down there” said former Cowboys receiver Michael Irving, while ESPN's John Clayton disagrees, “Murder has no place in the NFL. That type of thing should only happen in places like Harlem or Compton...Or even in third world countries”. No word yet on whether of not Adam 'Pacman' Jones was involved with the murder, but the league plans to investigate.

Jump ball specialist ranks #1 in early NBA mock drafts

While OJ Mayo and Michael Beasley are stealing the college basketball headlines, Simon Winchester, who is a senior at Maryland Technical College in North Baltimore is dominating one area of the game, and NBA scouts are noticing. “Winchester has won almost 90% of jump balls so far this season” says an NBA scout who asked not to be named. “That type of thing is so valuable. Whoever gets first ball in an NBA game can make a huge difference.” Although Winchester leads the nation in jump ball percentage, other area's of his game such as scoring, rebounding, defense, dribbling, and endurance need some major work. “Small things like scoring ability and rebounding come with time and experience” said the scout. “But having the ability to win jump ball's give you a huge advantage. You have to wonder how things would have worked out in the Finals last year had Lebron James been able to secure the first possession for the Cavs. I guess that's just not part of his game.” NBA scouts and executives are also impressed with the jump ball czar's level of maturity as he was recently promoted to weekend shift supervisor at a Baltimore Arby's. “Simon's success on the court has translated to success in the fast food business” said Arby's manager Paul Deluney. “If things don't work out with the NBA, he has a very bright future here at Arby's.” Continuing his pace will all but assure the first overall selection in the NBA draft for Winchester, and his manager at Arby's think he'll be just fine. “As long as he takes things one jump ball at at time! Hahaha!”

Tampa Bay Rays to hire new locker room attendant

The winds of change are rolling through Tampa Bay. First a new name, and new uniforms, now the team is looking for a new locker room attendant. “One thing we really want to instill with our new look team is a winning attitude”, says team president Matt Silverman. “It all starts from the ground up, and this is the type of thing that will help us compete with the Sox and Yankees”. The job was posted today on local grocery and convenience store bulletin boards, and the successful candidate will have to be qualified with at least three years of janitorial experience. “We want someone who's had success and lots of experience. Also a great attendance record and a good personality are must haves.” Rays Center Fielder Carl Crawford says the hiring could be the first step in the right direction. “This just shows management is taking things seriously. We're used to having a dingy looking locker room, but all that is about to change. Rumor has it that management is looking into buying a Dirt Devil vacuum. Having a big name like that associated with the team will show immediate results.” The team also announced that the new attendant will have state of the art supplies to use such as Mr. Clean and Windex cleaning products. In other news the Rays have put all their proven talent on the trade block in attempts to lower their team salary.
-Joe Osborne
*The above stories are completly fictional and intended solely for humor.

Video of the Day: Miami Dolphins Rap Song

Video of the Day: New UFC 79 Trailer

Gonna be crazy!

Friday's Fives

Top Five

1. George St. Pierre: UFC fans everywhere were extremely disappointed when it was found out that Matt Serra injured himself and wouldn’t be able to fight Matt Hughes at UFC 79. That disappointment didn’t last for long, as the next day GSP stepped up, and will take on Hughes for the Interim Welterweight Title. This will be the third time they fight, with each fighter holding a victory over the other. UFC 79 now appears to be one of the best cards ever and with a victory GSP will once again be on top of the 170lbs division.

2. Devin Hester: Add two more touchdown returns to Hester’s resume. He was the difference maker last Sundays Bears win, and is the brightest spot on an underachieving team. In 27 career games, Hester has 10 kick returns for touchdowns. That’s unheard of.

3. Robert Luongo: The Canucks goalie has three straight shutouts. He hasn’t allowed a goal in almost 200 minutes and will hope to keep his streak alive on Sunday night against the Wild.

4. Dallas Cowboys: After Thursday night’s big win over top conference rival Green Bay, the Cowboys have now won six games in a row and look to be well on their way to home field advantage throughout the playoffs. ‘America’s Team’ is now 11-1, and is second in the NFL in total offense with 390.9 yards per game.

5. Orlando Magic: The Magic have the second best record in the NBA at 14-3. They’ve won 4 in a row, and Dwight Howard looks unstoppable. It should be fun to watch them play the Suns tonight. Good riddance Grant Hill.

Bottom Five

5. Ottawa Senators: So much for being the best team in the NHL. The Sens have lost five in a row and things won’t get any easier when they take on the Rangers on Saturday afternoon.

4. Ricky Williams: Here’s his season stats- Six rushes for 15 yards, and one fumble… Oh yeah, he also got injured and is out for the rest of the season. Nice comeback Ricky! The Dolphins are pathetic, but to their credit their the best 0-11 team in the NFL.

3. New York Knicks: On Thursday night the Knicks had the most embarrassing loss in the history of their franchise losing 104-59 to the Celtics. No need to mention anything else.

2. Hockey Fight: A bench clearing hockey brawl broke out between two hockey teams in Ontario. The problem was that it was eight year old kids fighting. For those who haven’t seen it, here’s the footage- http://portal.thescore.ca/video/Player.aspx?vid=724.

1. Sean Taylor: The Redskin Safety was well on his way to being one of the best safeties in the league. Taylor was murdered earlier in the week at the young age of 24. It’s gotta be tough for a team to take the field after something like this happens to a teammate. Sometimes the world of sports can seem almost fictional or like a fantasy, but when something like this happens it brings everyone back to reality. It would be nice to see the Redskins rally around this tragedy and put a nice run together in memory of their fallen teammate.

Have a great weekend!
-Joe Osborne

Video of the Day: Dennis Rodman Interview

Part 1


Part 2