Sean Taylor's murderer to be suspended and fined by the NFL
Shortly before the start of yesterday's games, NFL commissioner Roger Goddell announced that the person or persons responsible for the murder of Redskins safety Sean Taylor would be fined and suspended by the NFL. “I've made it clear since day one that off field conduct such as steroid use and murder are completely unacceptable. Whoever is responsible for the death of Sean Taylor can expect to receive a hefty fine and lengthy suspension”. When the suspension and fine is handed down, Goddell can expect to hear from the executive director of the NFL Players Association Gene Upshaw, who says he will attempt to eliminate or reduce any suspension or fine. “Come on now. Where in the NFL rule book does it say that murder violates league rules? It's not like these guys are illegally video taping other teams or doing elaborate touchdown celebrations. Plus, from what I know the suspects have never been in trouble with the league before, so it would be a first time offense.” Reaction to Goddell's decision to penalize the murderer(s) was mixed among members of the media. “It's part of the culture down there” said former Cowboys receiver Michael Irving, while ESPN's John Clayton disagrees, “Murder has no place in the NFL. That type of thing should only happen in places like Harlem or Compton...Or even in third world countries”. No word yet on whether of not Adam 'Pacman' Jones was involved with the murder, but the league plans to investigate.
Jump ball specialist ranks #1 in early NBA mock drafts
While OJ Mayo and Michael Beasley are stealing the college basketball headlines, Simon Winchester, who is a senior at Maryland Technical College in North Baltimore is dominating one area of the game, and NBA scouts are noticing. “Winchester has won almost 90% of jump balls so far this season” says an NBA scout who asked not to be named. “That type of thing is so valuable. Whoever gets first ball in an NBA game can make a huge difference.” Although Winchester leads the nation in jump ball percentage, other area's of his game such as scoring, rebounding, defense, dribbling, and endurance need some major work. “Small things like scoring ability and rebounding come with time and experience” said the scout. “But having the ability to win jump ball's give you a huge advantage. You have to wonder how things would have worked out in the Finals last year had Lebron James been able to secure the first possession for the Cavs. I guess that's just not part of his game.” NBA scouts and executives are also impressed with the jump ball czar's level of maturity as he was recently promoted to weekend shift supervisor at a Baltimore Arby's. “Simon's success on the court has translated to success in the fast food business” said Arby's manager Paul Deluney. “If things don't work out with the NBA, he has a very bright future here at Arby's.” Continuing his pace will all but assure the first overall selection in the NBA draft for Winchester, and his manager at Arby's think he'll be just fine. “As long as he takes things one jump ball at at time! Hahaha!”
Tampa Bay Rays to hire new locker room attendant
The winds of change are rolling through Tampa Bay. First a new name, and new uniforms, now the team is looking for a new locker room attendant. “One thing we really want to instill with our new look team is a winning attitude”, says team president Matt Silverman. “It all starts from the ground up, and this is the type of thing that will help us compete with the Sox and Yankees”. The job was posted today on local grocery and convenience store bulletin boards, and the successful candidate will have to be qualified with at least three years of janitorial experience. “We want someone who's had success and lots of experience. Also a great attendance record and a good personality are must haves.” Rays Center Fielder Carl Crawford says the hiring could be the first step in the right direction. “This just shows management is taking things seriously. We're used to having a dingy looking locker room, but all that is about to change. Rumor has it that management is looking into buying a Dirt Devil vacuum. Having a big name like that associated with the team will show immediate results.” The team also announced that the new attendant will have state of the art supplies to use such as Mr. Clean and Windex cleaning products. In other news the Rays have put all their proven talent on the trade block in attempts to lower their team salary.
-Joe Osborne
*The above stories are completly fictional and intended solely for humor.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Straight Up Made Up
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